The Real Housewives of New York City Weekly Recap: Season 4, Episode 4 "Ramona'd"

By: Helen Cooper, OJ&B Contributing Writer To the Hammies we go! It’s the fall, a time where (apparently) rich people go to the summ...

By: Helen Cooper, OJ&B Contributing Writer

To the Hammies we go! It’s the fall, a time where (apparently) rich people go to the summer playground of the almost-rich and wannabe-rich: the Hamptons. The ladies are throwing several parties. The Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, who lives in a castle in the Hamptons full-time (except for the 2-3 days a week she spends in the city, gallivanting with her French my-dog-look-a-like Jacques, leaving her children to be raised by a “helper.” When kids turn into teenagers, they no longer have nannies. They have helpers, because teenagers don’t really need parents anymore, right?) Kelly is visiting a horse farm, letting her lustrous hair blow in the wind while she outshines all of the other bitches in her impossibly flattering riding crops. FYI to the rest of the world: khaki riding crops are some of the least flattering pants in the world. Normal people’s hair does not bounce like that. Kelly Killoren Bensimon is a freak of nature. It almost makes you want to run in traffic and enjoy a diet solely comprised of jelly beans. And, finally, Cindy is having a birthday party that isn’t a birthday party but it’s for her birthday but she doesn’t celebrate her birthday so whatever you do, do NOT call it a birthday party.
Not even my three-martini nights end like this.

But before we take the arduous trip out to far-eastern Long Island, we have some business in the city. Cindy has invited Sonja to a shopping and lunch trip downtown. Now, for the Upper East Side socialite, schlepping all of your scarves and head bands and pursed lips all the way downtown is a big deal. We might as well be taking a trip to Timbuktu, people. But Sonja, ever the generous friend and, clearly, the world’s biggest fan of Cipriani, has commanded her driver boy to take her downtown and meets Cindy for a shopping trip. They try on dresses and Cindy reapplies veneers to her teeth with Fixodent. Wait, what? Is that a thing that people do? Are women just doing things previously reserved for private space in public now? Should I start cleaning out my ears at lunch? Is it normal to floss my teeth in my cubicle? Are there rich businesswomen all over the city gluing fake teeth to their real teeth with store-bought denture cement? I hope not, or I’m never going to TriBeCa again.
And then you apply the Fixodent like so, and glue the horse-tooth cover on top of your tooth. This is what totally normal people do. In Vivenne Tam.

It seems that the chipped tooth is doing more than making shoppers feel uncomfortable. The missing veneer, begot from a drunken late-night pistachio eating session, is about to ruin Sonja’s long-awaited lunch at Cipriani. Sonja is having none of it. Dentist appointment or not, that should not prevent someone from sitting down at Cipriani. After all, Sonja has a girlfriend with half-a-mouth teeth and she chows down on steak like it’s nobody’s business. Who is this fascinating woman and how is she pals with real-deal socialite Sonja Morgan. I want to see her and her fascinating of teeth at a polo match.
Oooh, it's like "Who Wore it Better" at the front of the mag. I say, Vivienne, because of her tights
and Cindy because that mannequin is startlingly bald and has no eyeballs.

Before parting ways, Sonja and Cindy manage to irk one another. It seems that this producer-appointed girl date is not going very well at all. Sonja informs Cindy that she plans on having a toaster oven party and inviting both Ramona and Kelly. But since Kelly would never agree to attend such a thing (because of the probable Ramonacoaster, not to toaster ovens — what is that anyway? Is she going to teach them that you can put butter, jelly AND cream cheese on toast?) Cindy is up in arms about the idea of bombarding Kelly’s children with a Ramotional Ramona. And Sonja is equally upset because Cindy has invited her to a party in Quogue. Now, besides having far too many vowels for me to feel comfortable with, according to the ladies, Quogue used to be an en vogue place to party in the Hamptons but has since fallen out of the good graces of the large-hat-wearing types. It’s like one of those old Western ghost towns, just tumbleweeds and drifters and constantly swinging saloon doors. And Cindy Barshop. Hosting horse parties that certainly are not birthday parties and eliciting small guffaws from the likes of The Countess LuAnn de Lesseps. But more on that later.
Did I mention that when my ex left Elle McPherson he hooked up with me?

First, we have to take our initial jaunt out to the Hammies. Kelly is taking Sonja out for a riding lesson. Kelly is some kind of an equestrian genius by the way that she’s acting, all one-with-the-horse and whatnot, stressing out about Sonja’s cavalier attitude toward her equine friends. For Sonja’s part, she’s not worried about her riding skills at all. She explains to the camera that she may not have ridden in years but she grew up with horses, riding bareback, which she says to the camera in a way that only Sonja can, making me feel like a grownup’s sitting next to me on the couch and I just flipped past the wrong part of the wrong Cinemax movie much too late at night. Awkward. But alas, Kelly was right. She’s right so many times this season, isn’t she? I don’t know if I’m completely sold on her just yet, but I am sold on her hair. Boy, does she have good hair. Anywho, Sonja goes too crazy with her wild beast and he kicks and bucks her off, causing her to splat straight onto the ground. I feel really uncomfortable watching this scene. It’s like when I see someone trip on the street and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. And then they try to do a smooth recovery, looking around quickly to make sure that no one of import actually saw them. But I did. And I feel so guilty for sharing in their awful, embarrassing moment.
Thar she blows!

Next up on the Hammies agenda was The Countess LuAnn de Lesseps’ mansion cellar, where there was a splendid array of fruits and cheeses and wine for Ramona and beer for Kelly, and Alex even brought her own champagne. I’ve got to tell you, I did not know until this episode that The Countess was Native American but I sure do now. The ladies came bearing gifts in honor of her ancestors: a native-looking outfit from Sonja, a T-shirt with some native women on it from Kelly. It all made perfect sense. (Except that it didn’t at all and made me feel queasy. I grew up not far from many reservations and a lot of my friends lived on them or had family who worked on them and The Countess’ Hamptons mansion is about as far away from the way of the native peoples of America as I can imagine.)
Wood paneling. It's all I can see.

The party is pretty uneventful, except that Ramona get Ramotional and people maybe call her out for an alcohol problem? It seemed that way to me. And I get it. Turtle Time is fun and all, but mean drunks are not fun at all. Nobody wants to be around Sloppy Suzy after she’s had too many tequilas and starts calling the bartender fat. Nobody. Especially LuAnn, who does NOT like being called a weekend mom. I mean, I don’t know. There were a lot of things going on in that room that were not appropriate. You don’t tell someone that you’re not attending their party because it reeks of poor. You don’t spill the beans about a possible future party-setup in the middle of another party full of these exact same people. And you don’t criticize someone else’s parenting style — unless that criticism can be taken up with social services. But really LuAnn, you’re sort of a weekend mommy. Your daughter is far too pretty to be left alone with a “helper” all the time. No matter how cute Jacques’ puppy face is.
There's about to be a girl fight!

But the weekend isn’t ever there! There’s an walk raising awareness for dog adoption, which I love — I got my own oft-talked-about Homer from a shelter on Long Island, so I’m glad the ladies got this on camera. I love you Sonja, but don’t tell other people how to handle their dogs. They will walk them the way they want to. They will discipline them the way they want to. And if their rescue pitbull wants to sniff your little cat-dog’s ass, let it. Discriminating against pitbulls is about as déclassé as inviting a crazy drunk woman to a toaster oven party full of children.
"La, la, la, la, puppy licking my face! Ignoring drama!"

And finally, Cindy’s party in the dreaded Quogue happens. Ramona shows up with an ax to grind. There is no Pinot Grigio at this party that isn't hers and she is none too pleased that no one thought of her. So she gets Ramotional about it. The horses are boring. The food is atrocious. She’s riding an ATV. WHO LET HER RIDE AN ATV?! She attempts to speak to Kelly but Kelly’s in a drama-free zone and HER KID IS RIGHT THERE. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, RAMONA?! And she basically embarrasses Cindy in front of her father and friends and all of these nice cameramen that she invited a long. Maybe Sonja was right. Quogue is a very, very scary place to be.

No comment necessary.

Episode Rating:

Drama: 9
Snootiness: 9
Turtle Time: 7--but not in a good way
Sonja Being Fabulous: 6
The Real Housewives of New York City 4889745540694820354

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